nimbus

This is a link to my WordPress, http://nimbusmb.wordpress.com/
It's where I've been doing some writings, I'm currently keeping my writings on the laptop with hopes of one day releasing them.

Twitter and WordPress are fulfilling my online writing needs, I really feel bad LJ, but I need some space, I've met someone else and...you know how that goes. The truth is I don't have time to go to multiple social networks everyday. I promis LJ that when I finish my novel, you'll be the first to know.

P.S. Thank Hilary K. for her commitment to you LJ, that's what keeps me coming back. Peace.

B.M.

I've been writing now for about 3 months and realize that it's not as easy as I thought. The ideas and story float inside my head and I'm very confident that what comes out of it will not be a fuckin' cliche. I know that there is nothing new under the sun, but something beautiful will come of this. I know that 400 pages is a challenge and time is what mostly interferes. I'm scared, I'm notorious for not completing projects, but I know that I must commit. I will, nothing can stop me now.

This is probably one of the best sites that I should be using both to write and for therapy and being the fool that I am, I don't take full advantage of this tool. FUCK. What a shame. So please bare with me...

say your name
try to speak as clearly as you can
you know everything gets written down
nod your head
just in case they could be watching
with their shiny satellites

i hope they cannot see
the limitless potential
living inside of me
to murder everything
i hope they cannot see
i am the great destroyer

turn it up
listen to the shit they pump into
your head
filling you with apathy
hold your breath
wait until you know the time is right
on time
the end is near

i hope they cannot see
the limitless potential
living inside of me
to murder everything
i hope they cannot see
i am the great destroyer - TR.

So I started writing the vampire novel on October 31, 2008. I’ve started putting bits and pieces of ideas that I had written down together. Looking at them now I can see what their purpose was. I’m not sure how long it will take me to write this novel, all I know is that this is what I was meant to do, this is my purpose, this will leave my mark.

On a lighter note…I think I know why I feel so “antisocial” all the fuckin time, 24/7.

Today I decided to get my favorite DCCF at Starbucks, in the middle of the day instead of the usual 8pm time and to my surprise I turned into a social, vigorous butterfly!

Hmmm, coffee during the day instead of late at night, I could be on to something.

It’s hard enough to find solid friendships in your own surroundings, so how would you bloom a friendship with someone that lives a world apart from you?

In reality, we are worlds apart, and I feel like just giving up and stop being such a fuckin cliché, but something inside of me wants the challenge. It’s obvious to me now, like all good things in life, a faithful friendship takes effort.

In an optimistic world, one day we’ll be sitting in some café, talking about how warm your grey hair adorns your face and sharing countless life experiences.

This is probably payback for pushing all of you dear friends away.
I’m sorry, I never took your friendships for granted, I was just never good enough for you. One day we’ll find each other, somehow, somewhere, and you’ll know that you were cherished.

“She turns me on; she makes it real, I have to apologize, for the way I feel” – TR.

Divine artist. Pure inspiration. Reverent admiration.
Her beautiful eyes are the window to her distinctive soul.
Longing for your deep stimulation.
Indebted to you, thank you my dear.
I desire your everlastingly friendship.

Pleasure to meet you.

Three days after that pathetic post on 9/26/08 I found my calling.
Inside, the dream was hidden, resting, and afraid.
Writing a novel/graphic novel had always been something I often thought of, but it wasn’t until the day I had a dear conversation with a beautiful artist that I realized my purpose.

I will be the next Bram Stoker/Anne Rice.

I envy/respect and admire all of you that know what your purpose in life.
I find it remarkable that people know what they want to do with their lives.
It’s so beautiful to see people fulfill their talents, and be good at it.

Life is great, Life is beautiful, but why am I really here?
Does this world really need me? Will it ever miss me?

Sometimes I feel like ““talented less Mr. Nimbus”

I guess it would be too easy if we all knew what to do with this.

I am extremely grateful for my life, I just wish I could make a difference and know what mark I should leave before it’s over.

I sound like such a fuckin cliché!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you look at your reflection, is that all you wanted to be?

see the animal in his cage that you built
are you sure what side you're on?
better not look him too closely in the eye
are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

see the safety of the life you have built
everything where it belongs
feel the hollowness inside of your heart
and it's all right where it belongs

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems
what if all the world you think you know
is an elaborate dream?

and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself - find yourself afraid to see?

what if all the world's inside of your head
just creations of your own?
your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
and you're really all alone?

you can live in this illusion
you can choose to believe
you keep looking but you can't find the woods
while you're hiding in the trees

what if everything around you
isn't quite as it seems
what if all the world you used to know
is an elaborate dream?

and if you look at your reflection
is that all you want to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks
would you find yourself - find yourself afraid to see? - Trent Reznor

It's really hard to bitch and moan when people are nice to you.
Today was a good day.

So I'd like to say I had some part in raising you.
"What's going on in that fucking head?"
In way your showing me what its like to be on the other side of the fence.
I can see it in your eyes.



Cristian (in blue) and I after a Nine Inch Nails set on Rock Band.

He lay on the ground.
I reached to pick him up, but he asked me to wait.
You told me not to take for granted what I had found early in life, that some people never find it at all.
You said you were proud of me and that you wished you were half the man I had become.

I couldn't heal your broken heart, I couldn't fix that last wound.
I miss you.

I have had many of acquaintances, but only a handful of friends.

I loved my friends, they've all gone away now.
They are gone due to unfortunate circumstances, or because I sadly pushed them away.

Lui and I were friends since we were 10, ended losing contact after 12 years of a beautiful friendship.
We went from skating to driving, experienced life, death, joy, pain, everything.
We drifted apart with the help of his older partner who thought we were to young and naive to be a part of their lives.

The saddest loss of friendship came from Santino. We were only friends for about 8 years. We discovered music, girls, and skated everywhere and anytime together. After a long summer, I received a call from him inviting me to join the "Father Less" gang with him, telling me on how we could have a pain free initiation, he broke my heart. Two years later, I picked up the paper to see him on the front page as it described how he would be tried as an adult for the drive by where he had killed another gang member. I would have been in that car with you.

The rest of my friends I just pushed away.
In a way I've always felt that I was not good enough for them or that I would end up disappointing them in some way.

I know that I suffer from an antisocial personality disorder possibly because of these losses, but I realize now that I need to fix this.
What saddens me the most is that in a room full of people, even family, I always feel empty and left out.
I know this is all inside my ridiculous prepubescent brain, but it feels so real.

I whine about this ridiculous emotion, again temporarily forgetting my privileged life of having my dearest friend lay besides me every night.

Recently, I'm trying to bring people into my life that inspire me and that I can somehow provide some sort of worthy friendship to. I want to matter.

Before I begin the self loathing (plenty of that to come) it is important to state a couple of things.
Up to this point, it is safe to say that I have a beautiful life. I understand that I am a fortunate person who is loved, but something is broken inside.

nim·bus